ZZ Top
Afterburner
(Warner Bros.)

ZZ Top represents the optimum balance between gonads and technoglitz.  All
musicians everywhere should steal their secrets, which they are apparently
loathe to disclose (see cover story).  Nonetheless, having studied Afterburner
closely in the day and a half since I was asked to review it, I am going to
reveal several of their secrets as a public service so there will be no
excuse for bad rock 'n' roll bands.

ZZ TOP SECRET NUMBER ONE: Have the Correct Attitude Toward Your Dick.  Lots
of ZZ Top songs are about sex, a not unprecedented subject of rock 'n' roll
scrutiny.  But ZZ Top is distinguished by the artfulness of their boners.
I had to listen to "Woke Up With Wood" three or four times before finally
asking Timothy White, "Hey, is this song about waking up with a rod?"  It is.
The words are also slurred enough so Tipper Gore can't prove a thing.

ZZ TOP SECRET NUMBER TWO: Relate New Social Phenomena To Your Dick.  Last
week I tried on this pair of shorts and they made this horrible ripping
sound.  I discovered it was a velcro fly, my first experience with a
development that is apparently smiting the zipper industry.  But only after
hearing "Velcro Fly" on Afterburner did the ramifications become clear:
Velcro flies have "just enough of that sticky stuff" to hold your wood in,
but come apart real fast if you want it out.

ZZ TOP SECRET NUMBER THREE: Have Frank Beard As A Drummer.  This guy kicks
massive ass, more ass than anyone since John Bonham.  And Frank Beard is
about half Bonham's size.  He compensates with technoglitz (compressors and
sundry formations of electronic drums) and amazing taste.  The music being
blues-based electric boogie, he has less opportunity to show off.  Yet
every time he gets a chance for a little fill between verses, or to set the
beat for ten seconds at the start of a song ("Sleeping Bag"), he clobbers it
with a minimum number of maximum thuds, so you think you know what's going on.
Meanwhile, he's dropping in some strange rhythmic twist, so you don't know
what's going on at all.

ZZ TOP SECRET NUMBER FOUR: Have Dusty Hill Play Bass.  Such a minimalist
he makes Dee Dee Ramone sound like Stanley Clarke, Hill does almost nothing
except pulse.  If the drums are going to be a second lead instrument,
something's got to pulse.

ZZ TOP SECRET NUMBER FIVE: Have Billy Gibbons Play Guitar.  Unlike AC/DC,
who play the same old stuff the same old way every time (which is okay if
you like that same old stuff a whole lot), Gibbons recycles old stuff and
semi-new stuff with new noises without ever losing sight of his ultimate
purpose of caving your head in.  Best song on the album is "Can't Stop
Rockin'," a title that in other hands (say Loverboy's) would be instant
nap time.  Here, it's the best encore since "Good Night Irene."

The mental image I get of Gibbons' guitar playing is that of a sixty-foot
wave breaking over my head.  Dusty Hill's bass is my heart thumping out
of my chest, and Frank Beard's drums are the great white sharks snapping
at my toes over the edge of a surfboard.  What more can you ask of an
album?  And with their secrets exposed, what excuse can you now offer for
not sounding exactly like ZZ Top yourself?

- Charles M. Young
_Musician_
January 1986